Surviving the Talky-Talk

I know, dear readers, you may not be able to understand this, but I am not so good with expressing my emotions and feelings in person. Not good with the talky-talk at all.

On this blog, it's easy. There's no human face I have to confront. It's merely a computer screen. I can get as angry, silly or expressive as I want, and feel safe. Words flow through my fingers onto the screen. I can take it all out on the keyboard. Ahhh. There is relief.

In person I have Talker's Block, especially when I feel upset. When I'm feeling hurt - even if I know the issue is minimal or completely stupid - it means there is an opportunity for me to lose control. There's also that fear I will lose the other person's love, respect, or friendship. I don't like being out of control, or being vulnerable. So when I am upset, I shut down.

I did that during the last five years of my marriage, and being unhappy took a physical and emotional toll on me. I swore I would not allow that to happen again, and speak up if I was upset about anything.

Embracing the talky-talk requires a lot of bravery. It's a challenge, with the Talker's Block. The talky-talk gets stuck in my throat, and fear takes over.

I am trying not to do that with Manfriend. I find it to be difficult, to have that voice, to say things like "I'm disappointed" for fear the person to whom I say it won't give a shit. Or that I'm not worth it to finish the conversation.

Right now, my talky-talk voice sounds more like me being short and wanting to pick a fight, when the last thing I want to do is pick a fight. Because I hate fighting. Because fighting requires talky-talk. Combine the Talker's Block with Auntie Flow, and I become downright moronic.

Luckily for me, Manfriend is a smart boy. He is intuitive. He's also kind-hearted and patient. I got called out of line when God was handing out intuition and patience, so I'm fascinated when I see it in other people.

As I said in the previous post, I slurped down a great big giant bowl of Brain Fart during Auntie Flow's last visit. I was moody. Over nothing. Well - that's not true. I built something up in my head (and, damn it was fantastic) and when it didn't happen I took it out on Manfriend by being short on the phone, in instant messaging and by being snarky in general.

Cynicism has been in my arsenal of tools when building emotional walls, so it's readily available 24 by 7.

Smart boy that he is, he called me on it. And we talked. And he had the words for all the things I had difficulty in expressing.

You know what? It was like a mini flood gate. I actually was able to form words, and get out all the emotional stuff.

You know what else? It felt good.

You wanna know what else?
Huh?

No one got hurt in the making of this discussion.

I survived the conversation. I found out things about us, too, that were all good things. I found out that as much as I was disappointed, he was, too. That as much as I had looked forward to the thing in my head that I wanted to be reality, he did, too. That he's a talker, and I need to talk more. (Ok, that wasn't much of a revelation.)

So, I made it through my first foray into the talky-talk. And, God! Am I happy. Who knew talking could make things better?

Yeah, yeah - you all did. I know.

Shut it.