Today was a tough day. I behaved in a way un-befitting a professional, and I am pissed off at myself. Worse yet, I was angry, and I did the one thing one should not do in an office setting: I cried.Granted, they were angry tears, but they were tears nonetheless. In my field, there's no crying. There's no crying in I.T., and yet there I was. Pissed off. Angry. Tears flowing. Eyes beet red and swollen. Pissed off, and no longer able to control the anger, the tears flowed down my face.
For a brief few minutes, I didn't give a shit. You know what, I'm pissed. Here's what Pissed looks like. It's not pretty, and sometimes it comes with tears and snot. Piss off.
My manager sat there in shock. He was used to a happier, have-it-all-together, sane person. This was not the person who was in front of him. He did not know quite what to do with me. So, he took me out to lunch. You know, the way a father would take a four year old out for ice cream when she lost a baseball game. Or, get the crazy lady out of the office. Either way, not good. I was so embarrassed by my behavior. I kept apologizing. He told me to stop beating myself up, that it wasn't personal.
I don't know why people don't understand this: It is personal. If we're lucky in today's economic environment, we go to a place of employ, and we spend over a third of our time during the week there. We work hard to enjoy the life we have outside of work. If that hard work is questioned or countered, it equates to a potential altering of our personal lives. So, please - don't tell me it's not personal.
(Yeah. Still pissed off. Can you tell?)
Some days I wish I had the - what's the word? courage? balls? - forethought to collect myself and defend my position, rather than cry or clam up. This applies professionally and personally. Then I think to myself I'd be throwing someone under the proverbial bus if I did so. I wouldn't like myself much if that happened, either. So, the alternative: tears.
One day, I'm going to find my Inner Voice in these situations. Lord help the universe when I do.
Until then, I'm going to be grouchy. And have a cookie. So there.
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4 comments:
My advice: dunk the cookie in some milk. Repeat as needed.
Keep in mind, this is coming from the girl who has and will cry just about anywhere.
Hang in there, my (just for a time) angry friend.
~C
I should add the following sad anecdote: crying in front of my previous boss who shall remain anonymous (you get three guesses . . .) got me an apology from him - granted, he walked right past me and then called me as soon as he got in the elevator (and you've been to that office so you get the ridiculousness of that sentence - and a lovely carved box from Morocco.
And then I cried again because I felt guilty for crying in the first place.
Thank God for Sid.
Oh darlin' if I had a nickel for every time I cried at work...
Sometimes you just can't help it. Sometimes it's a good thing to let people know that you are pissed off--REALLY pissed off. Sometimes you feel better afterwards.
I had a doc rip my head off a few days ago. I held it together on the phone with him, but lost it as soon as the phone hit the receiver. I know that I cried because I was tired, hungry and sad. (However, you can bet I will feel absolutely NO remorse the next time I have to call him at 3AM! Never piss off the nurse...)
Hang in there. As always, terrific column. I love reading your stuff. When you are a famous novelist you won't have to deal with any of this crap!
I'm beginning to think it's the age (late 30s - early 40s). I relayed this story to four girlfriends recently at a dinner, and one of them said she felt better after hearing my story, because she had a crying meltdown at the checkout line of her grocery store. Another told me she had a waterworks moment on her birthday.
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